01 October 2008

'Til Death Do Us Part

"Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work." ~Lori Gordon

Be honest...when your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi (you get the picture) is "wrapping things up" on the "happiest" day of your life, and he applies the "bond" that no man can tear apart (yeah, okay, whatever!), in no way, shape, or form would you ever believe that "'til death do us part," could be interpreted as the day you would like to be the one causing the death. You're in love, you're bonded, you are finally the Princess/Prince in your fairy tale. You just spent a year (or in my case, a couple of weeks) planning this monumental event that all your friends and loved ones would be able to witness.

I, personally, didn't have all the hullabaloo, not that I didn't want it, it just wasn't in the cards for me. I did do something very original, however, I flew to Vegas...yee haw! First class, Bay-bee! There I stood in my beautiful Princess gown, which was actually a marked down prom dress, but beautiful, nonetheless. It was white. (Lie #1) I actually thought the whole idea was very romantic until the officiator walked out into the chapel and I could swear his "other" job was impersonating either Cheech or Chong after midnight on the Vegas strip. He was dressed in a baby blue polyester suit and brown scruffy cowboy boots or something akin to cowboy boots. It was very hard to take him seriously...REALLY! But I was in loooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvveee!

I remember staring in the face of "Rosemary's Baby" with tears streaming down my cheeks and wondering how I got so lucky....and in Vegas, no less! Beginner's luck, perhaps? (Lie #2) And since I absolutely loathe gambling, one would have to wonder why, after a three month whirlwind relationship, I would be willing to take such a risk. I was in looooooooooovvvvvveeee! Ironically enough, I was born in Vegas as my father was stationed there at the nine month point of my gestation. I believe I was there a total of three months after birth. Thirty-something years later, and a few days after my birthday, I was back "home," and about to become Mrs. Rosemary's Baby. Jackpot! (rolling eyes...north, south, east and west)

Well, let me tell you something people, contrary to all of the advertisements, what happens in Vegas, DOES NOT STAY IN VEGAS! I "tried" that defense in Divorce Court, to no avail. Somehow I expected the ink on the marriage certificate to miraculously disappear once we exited the little "Chapel of Love." "But, but, Your Honor, I thought Cheech (or was it Chong?) was blowing smoke! Really, I've got pictures...you'll understand." *gavel striking desk!* "One more word out of you Mrs. Rosemary's Baby and I will be forced to hold you in contempt of court!" "Um, when you say, "hold" Your Honor, might you be referring to a hug, cuz I sure need one?" "BAILIFFFF!!!

Okay, so now I am in Vegas, married and not willing to part with my money...so what's a newlywed to do? Hmmmm, "wonder where the Wal-Mart is?" If I am going to spend my hard earned money somewhere, the "one armed bandit" better be the cashier at Wal-Mart placing something in a plastic bag to show for my efforts. "Bye "R.B.," see ya back at the hotel. "Taxi!!"

The "hotel" just so happened to be the Penthouse Suite of the Mirage Hotel on the Vegas strip. Now there's something I'd do again in a heartbeat! Monstrous television sets that came up out of the floor at the touch of a button, tacky gold furniture and mirrors every damn where....even above the bed! *Warning: Objects in mirror may appear to be larger than they actually are.* (including, but not limited to, my butt!) I did feel like a Princess, however....or was it Elly May Clampett? No matter, in my world I was royalty, at least for three days.

So here I sit, ten years, ten pounds (Lie #3), and ten times wiser, under my belt wondering what the whole marriage/divorce thing is about. Why is it, that the world is so hungry for love and yet the divorce rate is so high? Why do the people that should stay together split up and the people that should split up, stay together? "We stayed together for the children." (Lie #4) Puhleeeze! Yeah, that helped them alright...to get on the Jerry Springer show, that is. Thank goodness Little Johnny's parents stayed together and he was not the product of a broken home. Now he will be able to enter into the bonds of matrimony with all that "healthy" love and nurturing he witnessed at home. "Divorce granted Mrs. Little Johnny!"

I, for one, do not believe there are broken homes. I believe there are broken people. My home is my heart and it may not look like much from the outside, but whether I am single or married, the decor will never change. If you are lucky, I will invite you in. If you are luckier, I'll ask you to stay. If you are the luckiest, I'll give you your own drawer and show you the Vegas Strip! *wink-wink*

I promise to love you and honor you all the days of my life......The Paper Whisperer


Angie Ledbetter said...

You always write with such fresh perspective. Love ya!

The Paper Whisperer said...

Is that a kind way of saying, I am coo-coo for cocoa puffs? hahahaha Thanks, Angie. I received a beautiful card in the mail today from a friend who thanked me for inspiring her to write. I immediately thought of you. Love ya back!!

Anonymous said...

Great piece of work. Divorce is one thing I have not had to face. The broken person thing has a lot of validity, pretty big word huh. We coach kids that have 2 houses. Notice I said houses, not homes. This makes the very enjoyable job of coaching a little bit tougher. Your gift for cutting through the BS is to be treasured. I have enjoyed the back and forth. Ask Angie about the offer I made to the group. The offer goes for you also.

The Paper Whisperer said...

Hi Coach Oren: I remember your beautiful Donna! Thank you for writing. I remember the first time I became so aware of divorce. My step-children (there's another blog..."step parenting)came home from St. George with their school directory. 75% of the kiddos had "mom's address" and "dad's address." Broke my heart...so I divorced their dad. hahaha Hey, that's me...NO B.S. What you see is what you get, whether you like it or not. Now you see why I keep telling you that my bite is far worse than my bark. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. hahahaha Will ask AL about the "offer." It isn't an offer that will land you in "Divorce Court" is it? haha JJ. And yes, I noticed the house as opposed to home reference. I also noticed your big flippin' word...."validity." You go Oren! Intelligent men rock!! Enjoy your evening.

Taliana said...

Well -- At least you didn't marry Elvis, Punkin. Cause you'd be havin' a Blue Christmas!

Kathryn Magendie said...

Ditto what Angie said! And always when something I read makes me laugh, but at the same time feel this poignancy - or something akin to that - well, there you go.

The Paper Whisperer said...

Inasmush as that might be true, Taliana, at least I'd be "All Shook Up..uh, huh, huh," hahaha

Thanks Kat-Mag...thanks for noticing this lowly old writer wannabe. Have a beautiful weekend.


Anonymous said...

Now THAT'S just effen funny, "pretty woman!" Rosemary's Baby!!!! I was howling! God would I love to get inside your head and find your humor derivative. Hasta manana Chica! Schmuck

The Paper Whisperer said...

J~ Promise me that if you ever make it inside my head you will take meticulous notes! I have my own questions that need answering...first one being, "How can I be so seemingly intelligent in most areas of my life and so "D'OH" in others?" hahahaha Forgive me! Now, "Take a hike, Cutie!" *Big Smile*