28 June 2009

"You Have No New Messages"

"Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself."
~Greg Behrendt~

So yesterday I finally rented the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." The movie was based on the book by the same name, written by Greg Behrendt. Cute, cute and keeee-yute!!! The stars? Why, you and me, of course. (Nope, I didn't get paid either.)

I read the book a few years ago and could not put it down. It was hysterically enlightening to "hear" a guy's point of view on this subject. Greg had a way of softening the blow of rejection and instilling vital facts that have left me very cynical towards anyone affixed to a penis. Now I do the "blowing off" because now I have the upper hand. *That was funny on soooo many levels*

Anyway, the movie begins with the narrator reminding us that as little girls we are programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, certainly he must like you. (I would LOVE to see the boy that sat behind me in the sixth grade and made my life a living HELL...a preview of coming "attractions, perhaps?)

"If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because, HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!" That was one of my favorite lines from the movie and one of the hardest realizations for females to grasp. *READ THE BOOK!* However, this "information" is moot in my case and probably in many others my age. Now when "he" doesn't call, I focus on the negative for a couple of seconds (oh yeah, there's not one) and then I rejoice in the positive; I get to spend the evening enjoying a menage a trois with my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry.

At times during the movie, it was excruciatingly painful to watch the lead character (Old Me) make a complete ass out of herself. I sympathized with her pain and laughed at her constant need to check her answering machine for messages. In one scene she is in the middle of a yoga class with her cell phone flipped open and unable to stop staring at it. You are lying if you say, "YOU CAN'T RELATE" to anything about this movie. "They" so have us pegged!

Yeeeeears ago,I cut a cartoon out of magazine because it made me laugh to the point of tears. There is a girl sitting on a sofa in front of TV. Next to her is a table with a telephone on it. On the TV you see, "We interrupt this program to bring you an important message, HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL!" It still makes me laugh. Why? BECAUSE I CAN RELATE!!! Oh the silly days in my life that I wish I could have back, knowing what I know now, of course.

The movie is uproariously funny and has something that EVERBODY can identify with. Drew Barrymore's character even bellyaches over the perils of modern technology with my second favorite quote in the movie. "I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies."

Get a group of your girlfriends together, (old, young and/or clueless) and have a "He's Just Not That Into You," intervention party. Fun, fun, fun! And for goodness sakes,if you have a daughter, don't make her read Moby Dick or Tale of Two Cities, MAKE HER read "He's Just Not That Into You!" The Classics are beautiful, but reality can be ugly. Life is not a fairy tale and all you have to do is turn on Jerry Springer to see that "Happily Ever After's" are few and far between. (I'm kidding, people) In real life, you don't find a toad, kiss him and he turns into a Prince. The sad truth is, you find a "Prince," kiss him, and THEN he turns into a toad!

Here is how my outgoing message sounds NOW: "Congratulations, I gave you the right number! Now you have exactly 60 seconds to convince me WHY I should call you back....beep."

To thine own self be true,
The Paper Whisperer