18 June 2011

Weiner's Schnitzel

"Men have become the tools of their tools."
~Henry David Thoreau~

So, yet another politician is caught with his pants down. I was "almost" as shocked as I was when the 89 year old Hugh Hefner's 25 year old fiance called off their wedding. (I'm tearing up as I type)  Perversion; a prerequisite for political employment, just as Priests must be (at least) bordering on pedophilia and Firemen must be hunka, hunka "burning" loves!

In a "sext" message sent to former porn star, Ginger Lee, Weiner typed, "Alright, my package and I are not going to beg. We both see the hazard of going down the path of comparitive sexiness." As far as I can see (or want to see), Anthony, there is nothing that even remotely compares you to any type of sexiness. Ugh!

As a matter of fact, you remind me of "someone," I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Hmmmm...
In a follow-up sext message, Weiner wrote to Lee, "You aren't giving my package due credit." I have six words for you, Congressman; be careful what you wish for. I believe it's safe to say that your package is certainly getting more than enough credit now, whereby, taking a whole lot of pressure off the Vienna sausage, Governor Schwarzenegger.

I'll have to admit, the empathetic side of me felt a bit sad for him while watching his resignation being aired. Perhaps it was not so much for him, but rather more for the situation he has created for himself and the repercussions that will follow. Naturally my thoughts went immediately to his beautiful wife of only 11 short months, who is in the early stages of pregnancy. What the hell were you thinking Anthony? What or who caused you to become such a misogynistic jerk?!

And then there was an obnoxious heckler there that was driving me crazy and I kept wondering why he was allowed to continue his infantile rantings while the shamed Congressman was trying to say his peace. It wasn't at all surprising to find out that the heckler was an employee of the Howard Stern show. Go figure.

So where does an unemployed Weiner go (after the rehab card is played, of course)? Great news! He's already received a job offer from Larry Flynt, founder of Hustler Magazine (Ouch...salt in the wound). Flynt has offered to pay 20% above the salary he earned in the U.S. House of Representatives. And according to the National Taxpayers Union, his 12 years in office have earned him a pension (penis pension?) worth $1.2 million. Not too shabby for not even pulling down his tighty whities (thank god for small favors), which is a helluva lot more than we can say for Arnie. The maid, really? So very cliche'.
It's difficult to see the picture when we are inside of the frame. Break the cycle and have the upper hand in sealing your OWN fate.

Politically, and otherwise, uncorrupted,
The Paper Whisperer

12 June 2011

Say what?!

"Accent your positive and delete your negative."
~Donna Karan

Every time I watch a movie that has someone speaking with an accent, I take on that accent....for days! I'm crazy good at it and have even fooled people into thinking I was from their country. I've entertained many young children over the years, however, I'm not so forthcoming with my secondary accentuations when I am around adults. Are you kidding me, it's hard enough for me to be taken seriously! All I need is for someone over the age of 12 to hear my Martian melodies or my Leprechaun lingo!

When my eleven year old was much younger, he used to cry when I spoke in different accents. "Mommmmmmmy, please be normal again!" [That does not compute...that does not compute...yep, I have a robot voice too.) Funny thing is, now he begs me to do accents...for anyone AND everyone! (Even the wait staff at the Mexican restaurant....yeah, that was awkward!) "Unfortunately," I am unable to do them on command. They just take over when I am least expecting it.

Normally, "the accents" (the voices, incognito) are fun, entertaining and quite impressive, but the last few days have posed quite a few problems. I had the audacity to watch back to back Massachusetts infused films with, "The Fighter," and then "The Town." What the %$# was I thinkin? When I awoke yesterday morning, I began mentally planning my day...IN A BOSTON ACCENT!!! It's not pretty and there's no way to make it pretty. They say the "F" word....A LOT! Like every otha fecken wehrd! Ahviusly, I can't wahk aroun da house using da language, so all my thoughts were in Bostonian. I was so ready to wash my brain out with soap!!

There was a little girl in my son's kindergarten class from "Bahston." It was so cute (okay, not so much) to hear her speak. Her grandmother was her guardian and we would often talk while waiting for the children to get out of school. I found her mildly entertaining even though her choice of words made me blush. (Okay, they didn't until she spoke that way in front of her grandchild, who didn't even wince, by the way.) The hypocritical Southern Belle that I am, limits my "free speech" to the confines of my own home and most certainly out of the earshot of children! So imagine my fecken surprise when this grandmother turned to my precious and well mannered little charmer and said, "I told youse to stahp wit dat ma'am shit! Geez, ya makin' me feel old, youse ahr!" To which I replied, "Ah youse fecken kiddin' me?! He's fihve, an naht yit able ta decipha a Yankee ahccent. Alls he knows at dis point is whut I teach him, and thaht is to be resepctfahl to all youse!"

Notice how I took on her accent? I don't just do it with movies, I do it with people as well. I'm a communication chameleon. It's so annoying! If I'm around my Georgia friends, I'm suddenly Dolly Parton. If I'm around my Cajun friends, I suddenly emerged from "down da bayah" (that's bayou for you coonass challenged folks). But quite possibly the funniest story is when I used to speak to my best friend's maid, who was from Central America, in broken English....just like she did.

One day my brother was in town and we stopped by my friend's house and no one was home but the maid. We sat down to visit with her for a bit and when we left, my brother was quick to point out the havoc I wreaked on her ears when I spoke "that" way. Here she is, after all, trying to understand and learn English and I'm saying things like, "Ms. Connie, you no eat lunch today?" or "You get paper, I write Ms. Linda note."  I thought I was doing her a favor speaking to her the way she spoke to me and probably would have continued to do it forever until my brother pointed out that what she was hearing, perhaps, sounded a lot like Pig Latin. I never spoke to her again in anything other than my own "language." Sometimes it would make me giggle wondering if she wondered whatever happened to my accent.

I started writing this yesterday and had to stop, sign into Netflix and stream another movie in order to lose the last accent. I was so happy when one of the first character's in the film I had chosen had the strongest Irish brogue I'd heard in quite sometime. 'Twas music ta me ears! The fecken curse had been lifted. Aye! NOT that I have anythin a'tall against Boston, mind ye! Ahs a mahter o'fact, me faverit baseball team is the Boston Red Sox and on me Buhkit List at number 5 is ta watch the Sox beat tha Yanks at Fenway Park!

May ye live as long as ye want and never want as long as ye live,
The Paper Whisperer